I can go days without eating anything and barely notice. I went for 6 days without any solids. I don't even need my addies anymore. The weight is dropping. And I'm getting closer to 100. I give it a week.

No one knows a thing. Well everyone knows something is up with me but this time around I can't bring myself to tell anyone anything. I can't even bring myself to say it here. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to bring anyone down. I'm done depending on anyone emotionally. I'm toxic to everyone. Anything in this life, is my own doing. It's not fair that I keep letting it effect everyone. So to prevent that, I just keep to myself.

I just bury myself in school related things and when I do go out I try my hardest to be fun and happy.


Sometimes I feel like I'm stronger because I can keep it in now and detatch myself. At the same time, the little logic  I have left tells me I'm just losing control. That this time is worse than how I was around my surgery and when I was living in Minneapolis. I'm okay with not saying anything. I'm okay if no one notices. I rather just pretend. Completely opposite of how I was in MN. Yeah, I was at my lowest weight but I still had my voice. I still cried out. I would look for someone when Joe wasn't there. I've stopped looking and I no longer have the desire to reach out to anyone. It doesn't matter if anyone or no one at all is here for me. I refuse to drag anyone into this anymore.


Despite everything, even now, in my saddest moments...I have such deep love for those in my life and even for some that are no longer around. I get this calm feeling just thinking about it. I see how lucky I was/am to have so many people care. Which in turn makes me wonder if any of them could ever forgive me if I was no longer here. I know I've already hurt so many so I honestly don't think I could bring myself to do it purposely. I just know I've already been lucky so far to still be here despite everything I've put myself through physically. The surgery, the starving, the purging, mixing drugs (I have to take more and more because of my tolerance) with alcohol, the cutting and always putting myself in unsafe situations.


How many chances do I have left?

I am so angry right now that I don't even care how distorted or crazy this post will sound. I'm glad I will be busy with school because then maybe I won't be so depressed about this. I'm getting there but so...sllowwwllyyy that I feel like it's never going to happen.


Maybe a real post later, idk.

Ahhh this is what not eating all day and taking one too many addies will do to you.

It will do you the favor of keeping you up to ponder the five million thoughts running through your head. This probably won't make any sense to anyone but me because these thoughts are so random. They are all starting to blend into one big blur. I begin to forget what or who I'm thinking about exactly. The line becomes hazy between where one thought about a particular person ends and a new thought about someone else begins.

I'm torn between so many different issues all over the spectrum. Big and small. Love or hate. Stay or leave. To eat or not to eat. Call or don't. This lifestyle or another. Those friends or these ones. That dog food or the other. Hold on...let go. Too fast or too slow.

If I could just split into two different people (I mean literally, not have split personalities ) then my problems would be solved. One version of me would walk off and continue to fuck up my life. I'd spend my time trying to satisfy all my shallow, materialistic, empty needs. I'd not care because I'd be 100% selfish. I'd date guys that were so bad for me that it was intoxicating. My nights would be spent dancing to loud music and leaving with a shell that I mistook for a warm body. My only concern for the day would be who was going to buy my drinks later that night. Nothing would last long enough to hurt if I lost it. My light would burn so brightly that it would fade too quickly for anyone to see.

"Baby's black balloon makes her fly. You're not thinking about tomorrow."

Obviously the other version would go off and become the exact opposite. Details of this version are not even necessary. Just by looking at the other life, I'd be a fucking saint in this one.

There's a balance, I know. It's just a matter of picking and choosing which details you want to live by. This is where I hesitate. The details that seem logical to choose, conflict with my unexplained feelings.

I want what I don't need. I need what I don't want.





4am...I can sleep now. When I wake up who knows if this will still make sense.

So I'm back after taking care of some issues I had to deal with. For those in my life that know, I'm okay and I know that I made the right decision deep down. And that will be that. I'm recovering emotionally and physically as expected.

I'm also doing a lot better since my whole run in with Joe. *sigh* As much as it hurt, I really needed reality to smack me in the face and remind me that talking to him is not in my best interest.

I registered for my fall classes. It's a crazy schedule but I think keeping busy will be the best.


...I guess I don't really have much else to write even though I have all these thoughts running through my mind. Which means I will probably be up all night. : /


Going to catch up and maybe post later if these thoughts are keeping me awake.

Ugh, I hate nights or early mornings like this (it's almost 3) where I want so badly to fall asleep. So much shit is reminding me of last year. Songs are coming on that I used to listen to and the memories start streaming in my head.

I miss my friends from there. I know I bitched a lot about how much I hated it in Minnesota but I truly am missing the people I grew close to.

I miss the girls. I miss the fashion and crazy sex talks Nathalia (she had the coolest Russian acent) and I used to have. We always used to tell each other how hot we thought the other one was. And Gina? She was like a younger version of my mom who was always looking out for me because she knew I didn't have family out there. Ashley was my bestie because we were the smallest and got along like sisters. Traci was the loud one and ALWAYS spoke her mind no matter how brutal it was. There were many a time where she pissed me off or almost made me cry because of the comments she'd make about how skinny I was. I loved her anyway.

And Coley! My hot non-boyfriend (he was gay). He saw me breakdown, faded, drunk and just about every state of being. I came to him about everything especially towards the end when things got really bad with Joe. As lame it sounds, he really was my rock. I was so weak both mentally and physically that he literally held me up sometimes. I miss our lunches at Cosetta's where we'd dish it out about how guys sucked and how badly we needed to make a trip to the MOA.

I miss dancing at that stupid club, The Stadium. I miss staying in the nice high-rises with Roman (even though he turned out to be crazy) and going out with his Frat brothers to the clubs. I miss dancing and singing in the car with Lisa. I miss Tom Reids and making fun of the weirdos.

Fuck...I need to stop. I'm seriously getting sad. I just need to remind myself that being out there was not healthy for me. I was using and drinking way too much. I'd come home from work and a have glass of vodka by myself. I was always faded from pills, oding all the time. I never ate (I was at 96lbs). I cut.


This is better. I am in a better place. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I didn't go to L.A. I needed a break. Yesterday was too much and I knew I wouldn't have the energy to deal with any shit.

I didn't fall asleep till around 5 this morning. I ended up having a talk with one of my really good friends about my situation. I had a really good cry and it felt good getting all those emotions out. It gave me a really bad headache which kept me up and I'm sure the Adderall I've been taking didn't help either. So I finally took a bar and a half of Xanax and in 20 I was out like a light.


Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I got a script for Adderall from my GP. Only 5mg tabs, 30 count. It's a pain though because since it's so heavily guarded by the FDA due to high risk of abuse and being sold on the street, I cannot get refills. I have to have a new script each time. So for the past 3 months I've had to go into my GP's office to pick it up. Luckily I've had this doctor since highschool so he's good with just leaving it at the front desk for me.

I thought painkillers were good at taking away my appetite but now that I think of it I would just get too high and sedated to eat. I still felt the hunger in my belly though, if that makes sense. This however takes away any feeling of hunger but I still have the energy to get shit done. I feel full without the bloat. I know this is because of the amphetamine etc...

Anyway, for the past few days since my stress overload started I've been trying to eat (fruit and raw veggies) at least something small so I could workout. I've dropped 5lbs which I know is mostly water weight. I was 115lbs and now I'm 110lbs. I can't believe I was back at a weight that was so close to my highest (128). A lot of clothes didn't fit anymore which was another factor contributing to my stress. It caused me a lot of anxiety whenever I was trying to pick an outfit for L.A. or for a nightout. I think I'm going to start taking progress pictures. I have some mixed feelings because I did like having boobs and a butt again that would feel out my jeans. I think I was started to have a healthier mindset. :/


Right now I'm just relaxing before I have to get ready to see Adam tonight. I haven't eaten anything except for some cantalope and it's almost 4pm. I think we are going out for drinks and dinner. I'm going to stick with a glass of Merlot and a side salad. I really want to see that movie with Ryan Renyolds, The Proposal.

If I look cute enough I will take pics. If not for sure some body pictures for my record.

Hopefully this weekend is better than the last! Have a great weekend lovelies!

P.S. I know for a while I stopped talking about my ED and especially stopped post body pics so I will make sure to put them behind a cut for those that rather not see them.

Okay sooo..just to get it out of the way.



Holding steady at 107lbs. It has not been easy, trust me. I have yet to go a couple of days without throwing up but at least I'm at a healthier weight than when I was in Minneapolis. Oh I still have my days where I wake up feeling more like 500lbs. I still have my breakdowns and refuse to go out. I still can't help but count the calories because it's so second nature now.


But the biggest difference is that I can have my cake...and eat it too.* :)

I needed to come back to this.


Enough said.

Why. WHY! Hours before my trip do you have to go and email these lyrics to me. And all just because they reminded you of me?


Why do you do this to me? Can't you see I've been making do with the cards I have been dealt? Sure I've played a role in all of this but so did you. I accepted my mistakes and started to move on...because really, that's all you can do, but it's hard to keep moving forward when someone keeps pushing you back. I don't hear from you for weeks and then you decide to just out of no where email me. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you mean well. That this isn't some big mind fuck. That these are just things you need to get off your chest and since you were my best friend/lover for almost 3 years...that I can at least still be there for you every now and then.


( And you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine. As he walks out the door, your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes. And your friends say what is it, you look like you've seen a ghost. )

So much is going on right now which is why it has been hard to make it on here. I miss it though. I think I really need to start writing again because it really did help getting shit off my chest instead of bottling it up. I also miss having a group of people I could go to that I could TRULY relate to and that understood to some degree (a lot more than others) what I'm going through.

I'm not really in the mood to write about the serious stuff like health issues until I know for sure what's going on and that won't be till sometime after the 6th of December, it's just easier for me that way even though I pretty much know the answer. As far as the whole ED thing goes, 103lbs.

103lbs!!!!

I haven't been over a 100 in friggin' months. I'm not going to lie, it is KILLING me and I've gone back to heavy restricting, running at least 4 miles a day, etcetc....the same routine. Ideally, I'd like to be 96-97 by December 11th. Definitely possible, but definitely stupid.

On a more positive note(!!!!)

I'm taking a trip to Chicago from the 11th(heh)-15th of next month. No, no there's no connection between those two bolded dates. Silly. :P

  ( Questionaire jacked from Christine and some stuffz regarding the la la la la-love life. )

I got back a little over a week ago! I left Minnesota on the 27th (bought 4 new tires before I left and got a flat in Nevada due to shit a diesel truck dropped). And I'm here for good! I deleted my account for awhile because of some crazy drama that came with making the long ass haul back to home....without Joe....for good. I cried nonstop for the first 2 days and didn't eat a biteof food, but I'm doing somewhat better now. Just trying to keep busy and continue to move forward. I do have my times where I miss my friends and the guys but it is time to focus on myself.

I haven't had computer access until now so I just wanted to say hi and that I'm back. I'm still in the process of settling in. I just spent the past hour on the phone with UPS trying to get 80% of my shit back to Cali. The shipping fees were out of this world but were worth it considering the value of my stuff that I was shipping back. I've spent the past week during the day getting my car tags, running errands etc... and my nights are spent going out and meeting up with everyone (DATES!) and then of course Halloween weekend was right around the corner so I spent that in L.A. with my girls. Funny stories and pictures to come. Single life is crrraazzzyyy. But I think it's going to be good for me....I've always gone from relationship to relationship. Plus it's time to start depending on myself to fufill my needs...emotionally, financially, and hey...if it means physically for awhile...then bring that on too! Haha. On a serious note, I truly believe this will help me overcome (or at least cope better with) my ED.




I'm also getting ready for Pharmacy school (yikes).



Life has been extremely rough these past 2 weeks. I've spent many, many hours crying and ready to just give up. Pills in the hand and everything. I've starved and purged like crazy, but I am slowly starting to eat again. Hands down this has got to be one of the toughest things I've ever had to go through. It's almost as if I'm starting over again. Next week I go in for a biopsy of these dark dime sized growths that appeared on the right side of my chest and the lower part of my left back about a month ago. So I know right now I need to keep my eating habits in check until I find out what's going on. I need the energy to be strong and keep pressing forward. Everything is still incredibly upside down and unclear but I'm ready for this. Bring it on.



And for fun...


Second to the left.




Aaannddd...the middle.


I didn't know him before I left California. He gave me his number at the Elephant Bar one of my first nights back. We can call him "L" for now. One of the few guys I've started dating since I got back.He is the first guy I've been on a date with that is my age in years! Usualy they have been like around 25 and up.  I know, I know...I just got back right!? I'm really not trying to find guys...I just happen to meet them when I'm out grabbing a bite with my friends or even some of them are guys I've known in high school but lost touch.

BUT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY: No relationships for me right now. Just fun, none of that serious biznaz right now. Besides...even if I wanted to, I am so emotionally drained from Joe and Garret that I am dry in that department at that moment. And I have no intentions of refueling anytime soon. I'm actually enjoying the ride (and the scenery!) for once instead of getting caught up in who likes who and how much.

I have to go now. I will be back tonight to check up on everything. As well as posting a little more of an update. I'm going for sushi with my brother. Oh California sushi...how I have missed thee...all cheap yet still tasty. Man oh man, good sushi was hard to come around in MN and if the place was any good, it cost an arm and a leg.



Hope all is well and ilu!

Thank you for that reality check. I was seriously spazzing out. So lame now that I think about it. :P

I haven't been coming on here because I really was trying to concentrate on getting better and even though I feel the majority of my FL is safe, there is just still so many temptations (for me) that come along with my LJ. I was also still really sick and on a plethora of medications (not by choice) that made it hard for me to function somewhat normally.


I'd like to say that I am at a much better place in my life right now and I feel some days my strength building up. I didn't mention it at the time but I entered myself into the Emily Program for eating disorders here in Minnesota after my second major OD. I kept waiting to one day wake up and think to myself, "I want recovery 100% and I'm going to give it my all." But I finally realized realistically that that wasn't going to happen for me and that if I didn't use this little part of me that wanted to get better now then I might lose my chance. I seriously just got tired of being so sick mentally and physically. My anxiety was getting to the point that I could no longer step out my apartment without being high on pills. It came to the point where I just knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be to find my way back.

( I want to go back to California. I want to go back to San Diego and go back to school. I want a career. There is just so much I want to do with what time I have left here. )
/serious stuff.

Well what would kind a post would this be without some type of fashion related thing?!?!




KK, I'm off to go catch up and comment.




EDIT: Don't worry I'm not going to get all preachy and "omg 100% recovery for everyone!!!!!!" I still have my sense of humor and I'm not as fragile as I was in my last post. I don't want anyone to think I'm going to push anything on anyone because I'm trying to change my mindset. I mean....so much has happened in my life and it is still very much a part of who of me. Yeah crappy things happened but I'm kind of glad I've gone through what I have because it has given me the ability to be able to relate so much more to people from all over the spectrum.

I've been EXTREMELY busy lately with working and going out  24/7 lately that I haven't had the chance to log on.